||I live in an apartment complex 1 building over from the biggest moron alive. Since I'm not one of those assholes who goes around posting peoples' names, we'll call him Fatty.
Fatty, as you may have guessed, is fat. While that has no bearing on his intelligence, it is important to remember. On the first day of high school (Fatty, who is 2 years older than me, has failed twice), Fatty joins the ROTC (I don't know what that stands for, but it's an army-type-deal). It wa a half-day, so that afternoon, I'm hanging out with my friend Brinson and some chick I can't remember the name of. Fatty, who does not have a driver's license, rides up to us on his bike, accompanide by his semi-retarded friend.
This is where the fun starts. Fatty and his friend, who we will call Skinny, somehow get on the subject of how bad they could kick our asses. It's hilarious. They can't. So they eventually ride off and my party relocates itself to the playground in the middle of the complex. We are sitting on the bench when Fatty and Skinny return. Fatty starts talking more shit, all aimed directly at Brinson. Brinson has kicked his ass on several occasions. Fatty is stupid.
Brinson says if Fatty wants to fight, he will fight. Fatty says he wants to fight. Brinson says "hit me then." Fatty does not. Fatty is a little bitch.
Fatty continues to talk shit, all the while standing in some ridiculous ROTC/Army pose with his hands behind his back, trying to look serious and accomplishing the opposite. This goes on for quite a while. Fatty and Skinny later leave.
Later, when just about everyone I know who lives in the complex is there and then some, Fatty waddles up to Brinson and punches him on the top of his head. With his forearm. He doesn't punch Brinson normal, he raises his fist and swings it down like a hammer. And his fist misses.
This ridiculous attempt is followed by a short exchange, wherein Brinson gets Fatty down several times, and while Fatty is in lock x, y, or z, Brinson says "are we done?", to which Fatty replies "Yes." When Brinson lets him up and walks off to the bench on which he had been sitting, Fatty takes the oppurtunity to attack again. This happens several times until Brinson finally knocks him good enough in the face to bust both of lips. Fatty, with blood running down his face, walks triumphantly to his bike and returns home. I had never laughed so hard in my life.
Favorite quotes from the exchange:
Fatty: "I'm 2 ranks above you." (ROTC, remember?)
Brinson: "In what?"
Fatty: "In respect."
Fatty: "You will learn respect!"
Skinny: "You aren't gonna press charges, are you?"
Brinson: "Why the hell would I press charges??"
Funny shit, even more funny in person.
But that's not it for Fatty. In the morning, at the bus stop, he likes to brag about his accomplishments and, if his brother is present, make fun of his brother.
Fatty (to his brother): "Haha! You're a fatass!"
Whoever opens there mouth first: "So are you, Fatty!"
So now, he is not only fat, he's a hypocrite. Good job, Fatty!
And on the subject of his many accomplishments, let me share some of his stories with you:
"One time at boot camp, terrorists attacked and my sergeant gave me a gun and told me to kill all of them. So I did."
"I had to go fight in Iraq from x to x."
"I had sex on top of a vending machine." I swear to God, I'm not making these up.
(Army people land a helicopter near our school) "I live next to a helicopter field, right on the helipad!"
(Brinson was there, me and him lived in the same building before he moved) "No you don't you live in an apartment complex in the building next to mine!"
Funny, funny shit.